The chill that burns.
It would be too brazen to call it love. Who wins if you lose the war waging inside you?
She said the most profound things yet, to me they were her doodles in the air. Her words echoed like sirens yet, to me they were just simple melodies floating about. The simple beauty she had, the one she always carried, was the cause of it all. By the time i knew it was already too late. Complaining about love, I would most definitely be called a fool for that. No one wants to be a parasite, but to her that’s all i could ever be. To live like this, I must be dreaming. A few days ago she opened up to me. We were in the kitchen. I was on the counter just listening and watching her prance about. She reached from one thing to another, dancing from one move to the next. I could make tea as well but not quite like her. She called me lazy - i didn’t mind. She complained about forgetting to buy sugar, that she was almost running out. That was the first time. The first time she ever complained.
I didn’t know she could do that.
From every moment I’d known her she was nothing but perfect. Every stroke of her day seemed precisely planned or so deliriously under control. She was always expressing. From sipping slowly to not burn her tongue to always having a pen to draw her crazed little hearts on the napkins of the cafe. I ended up just observing her as we hung out. I always felt like an audience but this wasn’t a complaint. She talked how today felt blue, not sad but just the colour. How yesterday was green and the day before was violet. How every week was a rainbow and hence every month was just a kindergartener’s imagination. Did she know i was in love?
When she complained about the sugar it was an exceedingly neutral tone. She wasn’t asking me to get it for her or thinking that it was too large of a task. It just felt like the world had ruled unfairly against her and hence she didn’t have her sugar. And i was convinced! As i didn't respond to her take on her sugar, she looked at me, eyeing me up and down. Then she flicked my forehead. I waited a second and said “ouch” as i smiled. She pretended to be annoyed that I wasn’t paying attention but seeing her eyes it was obvious she knew that i was. She never made mistakes. Why was she playing along, i wondered to myself. Maybe i had finally lost my wits or hit my head on the back of the bed frame one too many times. But i was convinced that she was nothing less than a god, an emanation. And her actions subtly matched my preconceived notions. There was no way she was here only for me. I had lived my life, just like so many others, not knowing she existed. A love, a trance, a spell, magic whatever it was, i didnt mind it. It made me happy just to be then and there beside her as she made her first cup of tea. She handed me one too even though i had never asked nor even pondered about requesting. This wasn’t destiny as i surely wasn’t deserving. How silly must it be to think of myself as lucky with the universe in front of my eyes taking her first sip.